February, a new month. It’s been awhile since I last visit my blog. Swamped with everything going around me. Days past by so quickly I kinda lost count of the number of things I did/missed. My life is definitely different, so much different compared to 3 months ago. People come and go, people judge the way I handle things and how I live my life. Sometime it’s better off being left alone. I like being alone, it gives me space to concentrate on myself and not dwell on the unhappy stuff.

Always, I’m bottling up my emotions and thoughts. Why should I share it when people tend to judge?

We stood there in each other’s arms, watching fireworks enjoying our first moment of 2013. He asked, “So what’s your new year resolution? I made mine during the fireworks.” I replied, “I did not have any, they never come true anyway, so whats the point?” He said, “I’ll always make it a point for mine to come true, because this time it involves you.” and at that moment, everything was magical, it was infinite.

It’s scary how fast I’m moving on from my past, how clear everything seems to be now. That’s it, it all fits in now. I was a caged bird longing to be set free, and now I am. But day by day, guilt is eating me alive, constantly reminding me how bad I was that I chose to let history repeat itself again after H. A mistake a made 5 years ago. Maybe I am destined to be alone, I hate to break hearts.. Words can’t describe how sorry I am T, memories running through my mind, painful but still set a smile on my face.

Goodbye T, I’ll really miss you.

We are more than friends, but less than a lover.

Its wrong to think of that, but I missed the way you looked at me whenever I bite my lower lip, how you held me and breathe in my scent, how we locked our lips while the wind blew our hair, and everything felt like eternity.

I’m in such a fucking mess right now, I break hearts, and I don’t stop. I hate who I’ve become.

Sorry for the hiatus! I’m not dead, I’m just really busy and swamped by school. Exams are here, I’ve been sleeping less than 6 hours daily and burying myself in my books for for the rest of the days. Its sick, all the information mind fucked me to death. I can’t wait for 27th, 2 months of freedom, partying, doing shit. Can’t wait.

Till then kitties xo.

I’m so tired everyday, my eyelids feel like they weigh 10kg each. School’s draining me out big time. I need to fucking party so badly. I’ve been sober for almost 2 weeks and I’m getting really uneasy now. I need a fag, get wasted, dizzy nights, and the list goes on..

Here I am, wearing my unflattering home clothes, dripping wet hair after stepping out from the shower, slapping eye patches/masks trying to get all prep up for tonight. It’s 10am now, such a lovely Friday morning, all gloomy and rainy with soft breezes blowing through my window. Have been having my mid-terms for the past week and I’m left with 2 more papers! Yesterday’s accounting paper was so horrible, whoever came up with that insane idea of telling students that accounting is one of the money earning modules that a business student should take is out of his mind. I’m so toasted.

Designer Drugs tonight, one of my favourite DJs of all time. Feel like hitting Zouk with a few of my girls, just simply giving up our souls to their mix, dirty dancing, drinks & cigarettes. Should I? Have to risk having hangover tomorrow & waste a day.

Like they said, you can skip a day of work/school but you can never relive a party.

Mid terms next week, and here I am, stressing my ass out, tearing my hair and screaming. I can’t handle the stress. I almost had panic attack last night because I couldn’t get my shit right for my assignment, and I’m way behind my schedule on my revision. I have nightmares on numbers and equations and SWOT analysis for the past week, I mumbled the terms and theory in my dreams last night, woke up covered in cold sweat because I thought I couldn’t finish my test on time. This shit is real.

University is crazy. Why did I ever land myself in such a shit hole where I could be happily working in the office, earning a reasonable amount, partying every week, stress free after 6pm daily? I miss those sweet moments where I could easily pick up my phone and ring a girlfriend to chill, smoke shit and get drunk. Now I have to think whether I have school the next day, whether I have time for revision. & I just rejected J’s invitation to her after grad party because I’ve school at 8:30am on a fucking Saturday! How brilliant. I never do rejections to crashing a party like that, never.

Fuck, I miss my social life.

“Absence makes a heart grows fonder.”

I can assure you that this is bullshit. Absence does not make a heart grows fonder. Absence makes you forget, it drifts you away from reality, it makes you sore, it makes you want to drop everything and forget that it ever exist, and move on. Absence ruins relationship, it makes you realise that you can actually survive without him/her. It makes you sidetrack and seek for other alternative to replace that emptiness in your heart. It makes you feel so sick of waiting and waiting and in exchange, get nothing in return.

So absence does not make a heart grows fonder, it tears you apart into shreds and eat you alive, reminding you that that emptiness will change your destiny forever.